[The start of something great...]

I'm going to use my xanga as a log to keep track of the days I work out and watch my diet.

I'm going back to the gym and I'm not going to let anyone know. Seems that whenever I let anyone know, I tend to fall off and quit the gym again. This time around, not going to happen. Time to make due of this and work out hard. 

It's best that way. Since I know no one reads my stuff since they thought I stopped blogging.

Day 1. May.14.2007.

Chest

Tri's

Cardio

Food: Potato Salad, Chicken Wrap, Water.

[She's Officially Someone Else's Girl]

Yup. It's officially done. She belongs to someone else now. I've lost her for good. We are still friends, but it's just too awkward for me. I'm digging deep inside to get rid of all these feelings for her. It hurts. It really does. I'm trying to move on. But I can't help but think about her. I keep thinking about her and that other guy. What they're doing. Thinking about how he's holding her and he's loving her. It's just driving me freaking insane.

It's these days where I wish I had another girl so I can just keep my mind off of her. Nothing seems to work. The lonliness is making me go mad. I've tried to stay busy and keep my mind off things. I'm stuck at work right now. Not knowing what to do. I don't even want to work right now.

I'm praying to God that he helps me get over this. I know I will. I don't want to feel this pain right now. I really don't. But it just won't go away. Why does it have to linger in the back of my mind for? Seriously. I wish I never fell in love with her. I knew this would happen. That it would end, and I would feel the same pain Melinda left me with a long time ago.

I honestly feel right now that relationships are making me a colder person inside. I'm rebuilding the walls. This time I'm keeping them sturdy and unbreakable. I will never let another woman come and break it down again. Never. The pain is unbearable. It's a part of life, and I understand it, but it's too much for me to handle right now.

I'm praying hard. Praying for guidance. Praying for strength. Praying for the Lord to save me from this pain. Is it because I'm not allowing him?

There's nothing left for me to do. It's her birthday today. I wanted to give her a present, but it's best that I don't. It's best that I should just erase her from my mind for the time being yet it's very hard and painful.

I know what needs to be done. Walk away Dennis. Walk away and never come back. It will save myself the pain.

[Transformation...For the better]

From my past entries you may have found my entries pretty entertaining with my vulgarity and stories of my past. From my pot head days when I all I could just write about where my experiences while being high and tripping about girls.

Then I had my philosophical moments, while I was high, writing run on sentences and not taking advantage of paragraphs. Good points written, but they just seemed so cluttered with the poor use of punctuation and grammar.

It's been a couple of days since I last blogged. I've been reading alot of Joe's (Kat's Brother) entries. In all honesty, he's a very good role model and I see why Kat looks up to him. I feel that we're pretty much in the same boat when it comes to our dilemmas regarding the women that we love. But then again, we've both managed to always put God first and use our faith in him as our rock to get us past our sorrows.

These past couple of days since Sunday, I feel like I've become a transformed man. My days are better, I'm smiling more, and not only that, I feel no sadness nor bitterness at all. Yeah, I still miss Kat but for some reason, whenever I start thinking about her, I think of God, say a quick prayer, and I feel renewed.

This past Sunday, my bros, Gerry and Roland accompanied me to church. For you who don't know, I'm Christian now and attend Horizon Christian off of Mt. Alifan in the Balboa/Clairemont area. Well, what could I say, the service that day was unbelieveable. Pastor Mike's message was so clear to me that day and it touched my heart. I could honestly feel the holy spirit inside of me once again. The same feeling I experienced when I first decided to give myself to Jesus and become a Christian.

Pastor Mike discussed about giving up our bitterness to God. That was unhealthy and selfish of us to hold onto things when we know that God is right there waiting to save us from our problems and sorrows. I prayed really hard during the service and I gave up my bitterness about Kat and I not being together.

For once, in all the times I've attended Horizon, I lifted up my hands during worship. I used to be so shy to do so, but once I did, it felt as if Jesus was holding my arms up and I felt so full of joy and happiness. I sang my heart during service. Roland and Gerry were enjoying just as well. They were so tuned into what Pastor Mike had to say. The most definitely enjoyed the worship music as well because it was a bit different from their church at Shadow Mountain.

Well, after service, we as bros decided to continue our fellowship as Christians on Sundays. We plan to attend both churchs. From what they tell me, their Pastor who is Pastor Jeremiah is a very good speaker. I look forward to hearing his words of wisdom.

In the evening we went back up to Horizon for Loud & Clear which is their evening service, which channels more along the lines of worship. Matt Redman had flown in from England to lead worship that evening....

[Has it really been this long?]

To think that it has already been more than a year since I last blogged on this piece of trash. Wow. Well, just to catch up on things, I'm currently again single. Which sucks really bad. I started out on this blog thing just letting my mind run free. Expressing my feelings on my past love, Melinda. Now, I'm back on here expressing my heart and soul again, but this time on Kathernie. It's been almost a solid month since Kat and I went our separate ways. Honestly, the pain I feel inside kills me and burns me deeply. I've been trying to get over her. There are days when I can get by just fine but the instantaneous moment I think of her, all the past memories come rushing back and the hurt builds up in my heart.

I've picked up swimming as a good work out and another way to keep myself busy without thinking about her. I went to church yesterday by myself. For the first time, I was at church without Kat. She brought me so close to God and showed me how close of a relationship I can have with the Lord. Sitting there during worship, as all the other people casually strolled in, I was hoping that I would see her. I actually saved a seat right next to me, just in case she showed up. She didn't show up.

It's alright though. I prayed hard. I prayed for strength. I prayed for others who are currently missing their true loves whom they are not currently with. I feel their pain.

Never in my life, did I think I would fall in love again. With all my heart, I do love Kat. God knows how much I do. After going through all that pain with Melinda, I never thought that someone would steal my heart for all the right reasons. Kat and I have been through so much, and certain unfortunate situations tested my love for her. I've laid down my pride and accepted the criticism, but you know what, when you love someone, other people's opinions don't matter.

I don't know if she misses me. I don't even know if she still cares. She hides her feelings very well. For all I know, someone else probably already has her heart. I think negatively most of the time these days. I'm hurting myself. I know it's stupid, but I feel so restless. Lately, I've been having dreams that Kat and I are talking on the phone. I wake up to realize that it was nothing more than a dream. I miss her so bad.

I'm trying hard and I know I have to be strong. But I can't let go of the woman who God has blessed me to meet. God had blessed that broken road that I was on that lead straight to her.

Now we're on different paths. I pray that she's happy. I pray that she does the right things in life. And I pray that she succeeds.

I'm going to take each day one step at a time. I'm letting her go. And if God has meant it for us to be together, then our paths will cross again.

Katherine Fernandez, if you're reading this, I miss you so much but I'm staying strong. I love you.